


In the Past Tense...

by WinterHoney



Category: Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Anxiety, Break Up, Daehwi thinks he has Princess Complex, Depression, M/M, MY HEART IS CRYING, My soul is crying, Past Relationship(s), Post-Break Up, Suicidal Thoughts, breaking of heart strings, cross posted on AFF, hopefully they end up good, idk how i wrote this, re-read it with tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-25
Updated: 2018-06-12
Packaged: 2019-03-23 21:10:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13796433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WinterHoney/pseuds/WinterHoney
Summary: In which Daehwi desperately needs assistance unto which Jinyoung couldn't give. Full of regrets and frustrations that lead to heart aches.'I love you too much that I don't want to hate you,' - Lee Daehwi





	1. Frustrated

**Author's Note:**

> Frustatred /ˈfrəˌstrādəd/  
> \- feeling or expressing distress and annoyance, especially because of inability to change or achieve something.

            Whenever people see Daehwi and Jinyoung the first thing they would say that they’re a cute couple, that they should stay strong and live a beautiful and long relationship. They were perfect for each other. It is the perfect relationship. 

It **WAS** a perfect relationship. 

Jinyoung was well, a bit famous, had a lot of friends and pretty much cheerful although people would regard him as deep dark due to his dark aura whenever he keeps his head down. Daehwi was as well known as well, he done a great job in composing music, dancing and even doing variety things such as hosting. It was one event when these acknowledged each other’s presence, with Daehwi asking in a soft voice whether Jinyoung would be performing the next day and with Jinyoung being too mesmerized to Daehwi’s beauty. 

Whenever people would ask why Jinyoung liked Daehwi , he would only smile cheekily and shyly say it was love at first sight. That was the beginning of their relationship. Daehwi can’t stop remembering that day when he realized he liked Jinyoung. That day was when they were both going home, Jinyoung listed a lot of things Daehwi should do like secure his belongings and be careful with the people outside since it’s already late. Jinyoung went down the bus first before Daehwi and he had thought that the latter would be a good boyfriend. 

There was a catch, Daehwi was too broken beyond repair, and he had several cuts on his wrist, a few attempts on killing himself because he thought it would be a bother to let others know about his problems in life because it would only be classified as being overreacting. He wears a mask on a daily basis, but when Jinyoung came, those cuts lessens and he only showed his vulnerable self to him. He was slowly being his real self again. 

They confessed and found that they were on the same page and started dating. They found out they both like museum and ended up going on a museum for their first date. It was cute and they were already bickering about how the photos turned out really ugly they had to edit it our or simply upload something else. Every month they were bound to do something, but during their second month, they were both doing their exams and got a bit busy to go on an actual date. Since Jinyoung was a year higher than Daehwi they expected it to be like this. They didn’t complain with it either.

Third month, they met each other during the break only because Daehwi was going to the States for a week since it’s a family thing. Jinyoung was going to perform that day too so Daehwi managed to give him time to watch the performance before he go straight to the airport. Surprisingly, Jinyoung gave Daehwi a small teddy bear with a message ‘Goodluck on your flight’. It was sweet and Daehw couldn’t ask more. 

Fourth month, Daehwi took the effort to do a message book for Jinyoung that contains all their pictures. After the fourth month, things went rough. 

Daehwi was again broken, insecure and full of anxiety. Jinyoung was well, simply busy with all his academic works. More days passed, the less time they see each other. Twice a week became twice a month to nothing at all. Daehwi was desperately in need of Jinyoung’s help or atleast presence. Jinyoung promised him they’ll go to the arcade but that promise was never fulfilled. 

Daehwi was back to his previous self, the one who always sleep in class and is either late or absent. There are times where he doesn’t go to school at all. Jinyoung doesn’t notice, even if he does all he did was scold Daehwi about how important school is and so on. Never once did he try to ask whether things are going okay for Daehwi. Never, not even once. 

            It was one of those things that distract Daehwi from his own sorrows; he volunteered to be a host of an event. 30 minutes before the event started, his father messaged him. Sending a picture of a familiar girl he saw a few years back holding a baby girl. He thought of it and he already knew, ‘You can hate me now,’ his father messaged. He was yet again emotionally unstable, he wanted to scream and ran away but he has an event to host and he just wanted to forget. And he does, the event pulled through thanks to him and to his co-host Daniel. He forgot all his problems for those hours. He received compliments here and there and saw some of his friends he hadn’t seen for a while. Suprisingly, Jihoon was there too, “Jihoon hyung!” he exclaimed, still happy about everything and all “Hey Daehwi! It’s been a while, you did great earlier!” he smiled. 

“Ah! Jinyoung said he messaged you, but I told him you were still hosting so…,” he added. “Ah! I’ll message him now, thanks hyung!” Daehwi said then suddenly calls from the other staffs can be heard taking Daehwi away from Jihoon. He checked his phone and laughed after seeing 28 messages from Jinyoung. 

           _Daehwi-ah! Goodluck on your event today!_

_             I was supposed to go to practice today but I got sick so I didn’t go _

_             Don’t worry about me though.  _

_             I heard you were great today, congrats!  _

_            I heard my friends and even from Jihoon that you were a great host today, I’m so proud of you! _

_             Make sure you eat and go home directly after the event okay?  _

_             Don’t get tired too much, take rest and you still have classes tomorrow I don’t want you to be absent again.  _

_             Always remember that I love you~~~~  _

And more messages with the similar context. He smiled, maybe because his Jinyoung is back, the one who doesn’t scold him a lot and all. He felt loved that moment and he suddenly forgot that he was close to hating Jinyoung. He replied almost immediately saying that he’s going home at that moment and he’ll reply as soon as he gets home. 

             He rode the subway, it was a long ride or in Daehwi’s mind it would be. He was already tired and all he wanted to do once he got home is sleep and stop himself from doing his missed school work. He wanted rest that’s for sure. He sat down the subway and stared at the window. He sighed in relief, it was already dark but the night looks young, his breathing was stable, and there was no sharp pain from his chest. He sighed in relief as he hears the railways and the air condition; he was relaxed which was weird enough that something like this would make him feel calm despite having the flickering lights and annoying voice intercom, he was still calm by the scenery

Daehwi stared and observed the blank dark walls by the subway window and thought about it. He started to question everything about him all of the sudden. Like whether he’s still existing or not, whether he is still in love with Jinyoung or not, whether he still wants to live or not. He felt confused and scared. He was starting to think of useless thoughts again. Thoughts that would hurt him again, he started thinking again and again. More thoughts make his heart heavier. It was harder to breathe, the former calming sounds of the air condition and railways was now faint and seemed far away although he was still in the said vehicle. He saw his reflection by the window and judged himself. He was ugly, pathetic, considered to have a princess complex, full of anxiety and full of regrets. Even though he wanted to say he was depressed he doesn’t want to classify himself as one because it would be named as overreacting rather than depression. His thoughts clouded him even more, he was worthless, he was no good, even if he tried harder he wouldn’t be as good as Jinyoung. He started to get insecure of himself and now he was comparing himself to his boyfriend. It was harder to breathe even more like someone cased him in plastic bag, placed in a cabinet. It was suffocating him even more, he doesn’t know where these thoughts come from and all he wanted is for these thoughts to stop. And it did.

It was after the intercom told him that it was his stop when those flooding thoughts stopped. He tried to regulate his breathing, everything was fine. He quickly went home in hopes of spending more time in bed, only to be greeted by his mother who was already having a hard time to breathe. “Daehwi-ah, can you do me a favor? Please take care of your brother, I’m having a high blood I can’t handle him, your other brother is in his room but he’s suffering from toothache. I’m sorry,” his mother said and he took his 5-month old brother from his mother’s arms. He couldn’t have the heart to complain because it is his duty as an eldest son. He went to their room and played for a while. He was already tired and no longer functioning, he messaged Jinyoung in hopes of being relieved from this kind of stress. 

            His expectations on this case had crumbled when Jinyoung started to scold him over the same thing over and over again like he thought that maybe it was really his fault he had to be this way. Daehwi shrugged it off and did what Jinyoung said. 

            _Nvm what I said earlier, I’m just tired I guess, I’ll go to sleep now. Goodnight._

Daehwi replied without even saying I love you like he always do. He was already getting tired of it, maybe because he and Jinyoung don’t see each other that much he lacks physical contact and he lacks moral support too. He was close to done. He felt emotionless, blank and simply annoyed. It was the same thing over again and he didn’t even get the chance to open up what he truly wants to say. 

Daehwi slept that night, not on a bed but on a sea. 

The next morning was something joyful, a day of relaxation since classes got cancelled thanks to a group of people who began a rally or strike. He told Jinyoung they have no classes but the latter was silent. A few minutes later he messaged Daehwi and Daehwi knows what the meaning behind those words was. 

            _Daehwi-ah, I need to tell you something important._

Daehwi gulped, he knew what Jinyoung meant but for some reason he was simply blank, expressionless and emotionless. 

            _What is it about?_

He replied. A few more ticks of the clock Jinyoung sent a really long message, through which Daehwi started sobbing quietly.         

_ I think we should take a break for a while. Things are kinda rough between us and I no longer want to see you in this state. I want to be honest with you that I’m quite busy lately coz of school but I’m trying hard to give you my time. I don’t want you to go astray so please go to classes regularly, eat a lot and don’t skip meals, sleep by 10pm and stop sleeping at 12mn. I’m doing this coz I love you and you need your space and I need mine. Thank you for the 5 months we spent together in a relationship. Thank you, I love you Lee Daehwi and Goodbye.  _

Daehwi smiled bitterly and replied a short okay. His tears were rolling down fast like they’re having a race on their own, the song he was listening to, even though it’s a hype song like Seventeen leader’s Change Up, it suddenly turned into a sorrowful melody that even if Daehwi sang along with it his tears falls even more. His sobs turned to silent cries as he continued to type. 

_ Okay. At least that came from you and not from me. I was planning on doing it anyways; I’m already getting sick and tired. I get it that you’re busy and all but it seems like you have all the time in the world. I love you too much that I don’t want to hate you so I think this is okay, this is fine.  _

No, Daehwi didn’t mean all those words, he wants to go to Jinyoung and beg him to stay because he needs him more than he could ever do but his hands won’t say those things. It was really frustrating for Daehwi to say the things that are totally the opposite of what he want s to say so in the end he tried hard not to regret what he said. It was the worst break up, even worse than when he broke up with Samuel that they also ended things through chat and not personal communication. 

Daehwi stopped, with a bitter smile, laughing at his own silliness and pitiful image, he messages his friends for desperate help to ease the pain he never knew would exist.  
  
-CONT- 


	2. Problematic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Problematic /ˌpräbləˈmadik/  
>  \- constituting or presenting a problem or difficulty.

_ Jinyoung-ah, I’ve been thinking the whole day about this and I ended up messaging you in the end. There are a lot of things I want to share with you and say to you, things I want to do with you but I couldn’t now. I lost all the time that I could do and say those things and I think this could be the last thing you can hear from me.  _

_             I’m sorry if I ended up like this, I didn’t know either that I would change like this. I’m sorry you have to deal with me, but to tell you honestly, I’m really frustrated about everything that is happening. Lately, I’ve become someone who whines a lot about small things and for some reasons I ended up throwing all my frustrations towards you even if you didn’t do anything.  _

_             I have also realized that we’ve become distant to each other, we speak less now and I can’t remember the time where we talk about things that matter that doesn’t involve school, work and other activities. It was already that long I couldn’t even remember when was the last time I said I love you properly with changing all its spelling.  _

_             I’m frustrated so much when I see that you’re enjoying your friends company more than when I’m with you. It looked like you had all the time in the world and you don’t have any problems.  _

_            I’m sorry I’m using the word “frustrated” a lot coz I do. I’m so frustrated about this situation. I realized we were going in circles. I get angry for no reason, take it out on you, you tried to understand all my actions coz I might be like this or like this, something like could have happened and so on,  you do things that would make me smile, you make me go back to you, then you leave me hanging again then it goes in cycle. I’m not blaming you tho. It was a mutual fault anyways, we stopped being consistent that we couldn’t even message each other simple messages, as I said, I love you too much that I don’t want to hate you. I always say the things I didn’t mean and say the opposite of what I wanted to say. When you said that you want us to take a break I just wanted to say “I need you now more than never so please don’t leave me,” but instead I said “Okay, I was already tired of it anyways,” _

_             We couldn’t even say goodnight anymore since we’re too busy and tired with whatever we didthe whole day. We couldn’t even say a single hi and ask whether we’re still okay. We grew apart so much that even if we try to do it again it would look and sound too forced. So I don’t know anymore, I’m not tired of you but I’m tired of the situation.  _

_             A few days ago, 30 minutes before the event my dad sent a photo of a woman holding a baby, he said that I could hate him now although I don’t have the heart to do so. I was emotionally unstable before the event but surprisingly I pulled through. All I wanted was to rest, but when I got home my mom was holding my brother and she was already breathing heavily, I couldn’t complain either. My mom told me that I should take care of my siblings first because she couldn’t take it and my other brother was suffering from a toothache. I messaged you in hopes that you could possibly relieve my stress, but I backed out and the outcome was not good. I was hoping I would hear comforting things from you before I go to school.  _

_             I know more or less you know that I was out of it, but you let me keep every thought I have to myself making me swallow all the pain I was handling and I was quite disappointed. But then why would I? To be fairly honest this doesn’t even feel like a relationship anymore. I just feel like we’re just friends and that I am that annoying friend of yours who rants everything about his life and things you don’t want to hear.  _

_             I’m sorry you had a problematic boyfriend like me and probably all I wanted was a person to lean on but I doubt it if you’ll be that one. I think this is right, unless you still want too, but I highly doubt you’ll still accept someone who would only give you headaches and stress.  _

_             I don’t know why I messaged you either whether it is for closure, or a rant or simply because I want to point out the things were you lack on the way you point out things for me.  _

_             Another note, I don’t skip school because I want to, I don’t like skipping school but I don’t have the strength to go there either. I’m sorry you had to deal with me despite being busy with all your studies, friends and other obligations that isn’t me, I’m sorry you fell in love with me who only causes stress and disappointment. Please don’t love and thank me, because I don’t deserve any of it.  _


	3. Leave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave /lēv/ - let (someone) do or deal with something without offering help or assistance.

_ Daehwi-ah,  I think we really need to do this. We need our freedom to live peacefully. I’m not the right guy for you and I’m not the one who will understand you.  _

_             I’m not going to make this long. Let’s end this relationship. I still wish that one day we will be friends again like how we are back then. I’m still here to support you and I still hope that even without me you’ll still do the things I always remind you about. If you need someone to listen to, someone you can open up to, feel free to chat me. I will listen. Thank you Daehwi. Thank you for loving me, for everything you did to me and for me. Thank you. I love you and Good bye _


	4. Confused

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Confused /kənˈfyo͞ozd/ - unable to think clearly; bewildered.

A month has passed since they broke up. Daehwi, by the comment of his friends, said that he was doing fine more than they expected. He doesn’t cry, doesn’t dwell much about his recent break up, laughs like there’s no tomorrow and he looks fine; too fine if you ask his long time friend Woojin who can see through him. There were tons and tons of events that made it conclude that Daehwi wasn’t really fine. Woojin didn’t bother to say anything, as usual, he waits for Daehwi to come to him crying in the middle of the night asking if he can play another game of League of Legends, O2Jam or the Musician, whatever fits his taste that night just to soothe his heart ache. So far, Daehwi hasn’t go to Woojin’s place for those. 

Woojin wasn’t sure whether he was seeing things or not, but sometimes, Daehwi’s smiles and laughs looks forced but then again, he didn’t bother mentioning it. It was quite a shock at first when he heard the break up. Daehwi didn’t say anything but “Woojin hyung, please figure it out,” with a broken voice and a stare he couldn’t quite read, he just then held Daehwi’s hand and dragged him to the nearest arcade house for a round of that dance machine thingy and that music game Daehwi likes. 

The latter didn’t open up one bit of what exactly happened, he just smiled and shook his head whenever he was questioned of what actually happened, he always made an excuse of “I’ll tell you once I’m drunk,” even though it was clearly a joke. There was one time he went to Taehyun’s place with two cans of beer and one box of chicken. It was a question how Daehwi got a grab of those cans even though he was clearly a minor, but Taehyun didn’t ask, in general, Daehwi’s friends didn’t ask because they know how much Daehwi just want to keep quiet until he’s ready. 

It started like that, Daehwi being a happy kid infront of Taehyun and he started drinking that one can of beer. It was a mild beer to be exact but it was enough to get Daehwi tipsy due to his low alcohol tolerance and he was already complaining about how hard it is to talk in that state. Slowly, Taehyun asked about what happened to them. Daehwi smiled and shared what happened, how it was his fault and how his anxiety and other mental and health problems became a real problem in their relationship. Daehwi didn’t cry, his eyes were dry, no hint of tears, he was just there, half-drunk, telling all his emotions and smiling bitterly. He suddenly snatched his phone and began messaging Jinyoung with half-drunk messages until Taehyun thought he had enough and took the latter’s phone and messaged Jinyoung a sorry note saying that Daehwi was halfly drunk and that he’ll send the kid home safely. 

The following day Daehwi was messaged with a slightly angry Jinyoung who was scolding him for drinking alone with another guy, especially Taehyun and what things could’ve happened if he wasn’t careful and that he should stop being careless and all. Daehwi was pissed off, firstly because he was too dumb to message Jinyoung last night and secondly, because Jinyoung acted as if he was still Daehwi’s boyfriend. He snapped at Jinyoung then he was shocked and annoyed with the reply. 

… ofcourse I would still care, I’m still inlove with you Daehwi, and I still want to love you more. 

“Then you shouldn’t have broken up with me in the first place so I wouldn’t be in this confused situation!” Daehwi groaned inwardly and stopped replying. He was clouded with mostly annoyance and anger; he went on and played at the pc bang the whole day. 

Another time, it was IOI’s concert. Daehwi was there to support his bestfriend Somi but he wasn’t able to buy a ticket since it was sold our around 3 minutes after it opened. He wasn’t supposed to go to the concert event but he was obliged to since he was in fact the head admin of Somi’s fanclub and he had to distribute the goods Somi’s fans ordered from him. Daehwi knew he had like a 70% chance of seeing Jinyoung at the concert since Jinyoung is a fan of Kyulkyung and would probably be there distributing banners for Kyulkyung as a fan support. He was at Starbucks with Wontak who was quite busy to whatever he was doing when suddenly from afar he could already see Jinyoung. Out of shock, Daehwi said in excuse, he hid behind Wontak. Luckily, with the ocean of people who was passing by, he was not seen. 

Daehwi was still waiting for those who ordered the fan goods when the whole gang came, Haknyeon, Seonho and other notable people came by and was talking quite loudly at Starbucks. He suddenly saw Kenta outside waiting for someone. Daehwi knocked on the window and waved at Kenta. The latter came inside and hugged Daehwi. “Daehwi-ah~~” the older cooed. “Can you come with me for a while, I need to meet someone but I’m kinda lost. I need to find that Chaeyeon fansite coz my friend was bugging me to buy at least a fan,” Kenta requested. Daehwi nodded and went with him, searching for the Chaeyeon fansite. 

Suddenly Kenta open up a topic, “I saw him earlier,” he started, “Who’s he?” Daehwi asked, not really sure who Kenta was referring to. “You know, Mr. Vote for Kyulkyung or I’ll fight you a.k.a. your now ex-boyfriend,” the older stated, quite careful to be exact. Daehwi gulped, he didn’t really want to talk about him now but it was his sweet Kenta hyung who was asking with great precaution. “Ah~ So you already knew?” was all Daehwi could say. “Well he kept posting on his SNS for like a week saying like, ‘Thank you for the 5 months’ and so, he was really gloomy in his posts. Like it’s already a known fact that he’s deep dark but he went deep dark to deep darker afterwards so I assume…” he trailed off. “Well surprises to me that he looked like I was the one who called it off,” Daehwi was annoyed again for some reasons. “So you’re saying that he was the one who called it off?” Kenta asked, “Yes, and I couldn’t really believe him right now. The other day we were okay then the next day it was already off. It’s confusing really,” he started, saying every bit of frustration and annoyance he has. Kenta listened carefully and deeply while looking for the Chaeyeon fansite his friend kept bugging him about. 

They returned to the café and chatted even more. It was about time that they gathered at the gate and so they did. Daehwi didn’t expect that Jinyoung would still be staying at this hour considering that he was “far too busy” to be loitering around too much. Things happened quite fast when he saw Kenta dragging him towards Jinyoung’s group. “Heeseok hyung!” Daehwi greeted, completely ignoring Jinyoung. Kenta gripped him tighter and dragged Jinyoung and him to a quiet place. He stared at Daehwi and said, “You mentioned you wanted to talk. Now talk,” he said directly to Daehwi, “And you!” he pointed at Jinyoung, “Stop being stupid, I beg you,” there was a hint of begging on Kenta’s voice but Daehwi’s mind was too occupied on cursing his sweet hyung, like Kenta is nice, sweet, sunshine and rainbows and all but if he gets pissed off he’s a lot scary. He was probably bombarded by Jinyoung’s whining and Daehwi’s rants that made him do this. 

Daehwi couldn’t look up but he was sure that Jinyoung was staring at him with love eyes again. Those eyes that were filled with love and shouts, I love this guy and he’s mine. “I’m leaving,” he said because he was still pissed off with Jinyoung’s childish actions and that he couldn’t bear standing there with a broken heart breaking even more because of this guy. He was walking away when suddenly Jinyoung took his sweater’s back collar and pulled him back. “Talk to me,” Jinyoung said, “Says the guy who has been ignoring my messages for the past few weeks,” Daehwi snapped. It was true though, whenever he felt like ranting or he’s temper was way off he’d message Jinyoung out of habit which he doesn’t think through much but the latter would only see those messages and never reply. Jinyoung sighed because it was a fact, he breathed for a few seconds before asking Daehwi, “How are you?” he asked. “Almost dying,” the younger said. Jinyoung frowned, “Why?” he asked again. “None of your business,” Daehwi was sure he would be regretting this but he couldn’t stop saying harsh words that he doesn’t think about before saying it. “How’s school?” Jinyoung asked again, “Good. I’m regularly going to classes, I have exams by next week and I have my reviewers on my bag,” he stated, not really minding whether he wanted to let Jinyoung know that or not. Jinyoung checked Daehwi’s bag, “Why are you bringing heavy things again?” Jinyoung scolded. “I brought my laptop to school because we needed it,” Daehwi said then glared at Jinyoung. Why do you care? Stop acting like you’re still my boyfriend and just break up with me personally. Daehwi thought. He wanted to spit it out but he couldn’t think of why his mouth was still shut, Jinyoung was petting his hair and his head was already spinning in confusion. Jinyoung sighed; Daehwi knew he was getting tired of this conversation because he wouldn’t be giving him any proper answers. “I’m going,” the younger said and left, Jinyoung didn’t pull him back, he let him go. 

Daehwi went back to Kenta, but the older had a stern look, “So, how did it go?” he asked. “I bailed off and said some harsh words but I wasn’t able to tell him that he should break up with me properly...” Daehwi said, head still down and suddenly regrets everything. He should’ve already asked for a proper break up but he was too pre-occupied with all the harsh words he said. He suddenly noticed that Haknyeon and the others were nowhere to be found so he asked Kenta, but the latter said he didn’t notice. If there’s one thing Daehwi hates, it was going home alone. Well it was just few of the things Daehwi hates and there’s a long list of what Daehwi hates but he set that aside and ran off looking for the others. He was starting to get anxious, nervous and restless. He suddenly saw little Woojin, “Woojin-ah did you see where Haknyeon and the others went off to?” he asked. “I don’t know, I’m looking for them to, I got lost when I was talking to Daniel hyung and- wait let me call them,” the younger said and fished for his phone. After a few rings, Haknyeon picked up. “Kid where are you? You suddenly disappeared; we’re at the restaurant near Starbucks,” Haknyeon said, “Ah! Hyung! I’m with Kenta hyung and Daehwi hyung. We’re going there now. Bye.” Woojin said and dropped the call. After finding the gang, Daehwi excused himself and left his belongings, “I’ll just go talk to someone then I’ll come back,” he said quite absent mindedly, shocked at his own words but let it be. 

Rain suddenly started to pour and having a habit of not bringing any umbrella, Kenta let him borrowed his. He went back to where Jinyoung is only to meet Heeseok and his friends, “Hyung,” he called out, “Where’s Jinyoung?” he asked, ignoring Heeseok’s complain about having a heart attack. “He already left,” Heeseok said. Daehwi internally panicked. “Can you call or text him?” he asked in a rush. “I can’t, my phones already dead. Why? What happened?” the older asked. “I…” Daehwi was already stuttering. “He just left a few seconds before you came. Run to him, he’s going to the subway exit 7, you can still catch up to him,” Heeseok said with a faint smile. Daehwi thanked him and ran.

It was quite a long run to be exact and he’s trying hard to catch up with Jinyoung. Luckily, he had his transportation card on his pocket and went inside the station. He couldn’t find Jinyoung lining up for the tickets so he ran up to Platform A. Just then the train arrived and the people were already getting inside the train. He was trying so desperately to find him but he couldn’t. He went down and ran to platform B only to be faced with the same fate. The trains left, so does Daehwi’s soul. His chance was already there earlier but he wasted it big time. He stood at the empty platform and broke down from the exhaustion for running and finding. His was alone, kneeling at the empty platform, his tears rolled down and he sobbed quietly. 

 

 


	5. Enlightened

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And they finally talked...

**Enlightened** /nˈlītnd,enˈlītnd/

\- unable to think clearly; bewildered.

\--

Daehwi pretty much "moved on" after all the ordeal, and by moved on his friends say that he just chose to push everything behind his mind and pretend Jinyoung didn't exist. It was just a couple of days after their last meeting at IOI's concert and Daehwi went back to normal like all these things didn't really happened nor existed. Everyone was confused but no one really had the guts to tell the guy off. 

Until one day, Woojin was just scrolling his facebook feed and went across Jinyoung's post. He immediately messaged Daehwi even though he knows Daehwi's pretty much unbothered with all of these, he still has that tiny hope that Daehwi and Jinyoung would still be together. 

' _Daehwi! Have you seen Jinyoung's post?'_

Daehwi's phone notified him about a new message and was partly confused why he should be concerned with the said post. 

' _No... why?_ _'_

He replied. He was then told to check the profile and was confused yet surprised with the sudden post.

_I still love you, I'm just too scared to admit it._

Jinyoung posted. Suddenly Daehwi's head was full of thoughts and he's feeling a lot of emotions. All his hidden feelings from the past month, everything he wanted to say and express suddenly rushed through his body and he couldn't comment properly; thus probably a big mistake as he proceed on commenting. 

_Okay! Next joke!_

Daehwi was in fact sarcastic, it was like venom in his tongue that went through his fingers and automatically typed it. There was a bite that he didn't bother to notice by himself and suddenly the whole ordeal became serious. Daehwi convinced himself, he was no longer affected, he tried not to and he suffered for a month, almost two in fact. He just wanted to forget Jinyoung as soon as possible but he couldn't he just couldn't forget the guy he truly loves no matter how much his heart aches and no matter how many times he'll undergo depression. Which in fact is a stupid thing because it's like commiting a suicide over and over again only that the soul is dying and not the body. 

Jinyoung suprisingly messaged him. He already expected it though, there's no lie on that, he knows Jinyoung wouldn't take that sarcasm easily and would ask what the heck is his problem; and he did. 

_What's your problem?_

Jinyoung asked, obviously in a pissed off tone. 

_I don't know? What's your problem?_

Daehwi replied, pissed off as well that it was only now that Jinyoung bothered replying on his comments

_Why do you always comment?_

Jinyoung replied once more stating it as if Daehwi always had comments about everything he posts which in fact is not true like why would Daehwi even spend most of his internet time gushing over Jinyoung's post? Daehwi was quite reserved and doesn't want to express much that he's in a relationship and thus making the latter's statement about commenting

_When did I started commenting?_

He argued back, which is in fact true because it was only earlier that he commented

_Earlier!_

The latter replied proving Daehwi's thoughts

_That's your problem not mine_

Daehwi said clearly even more pissed off that he already has. He knew that when everything is over and he already moved on, he would be laughing about how childish this conversation is but he couldn't help himself be pissed off about how annoying Jinyoung is right now stating obvious facts that no one really needs to pay attention on. 

Few moments later Jinyoung texted Daehwi

_ I'm outside  _

He said, Daehwi wasn't expecting any of it to happened. He began panicking, he wasn't prepared yet. He quickly went down and breathe as he opened the door. He tried his best to maintain his posture and to make it less obvious that he's shaking so much. "Go in" Daehwi said, emotionless. "Mom, someone's here," he said as he went upstairs. Mrs. Lee looked in quite a worried face, "Good day Mrs. Lee," Jinyoung greeted, following Daehwi to his room. 

They both feel awkward, no one really wants to start the conversation, it's been a while since they talked, it's been months ever since. Daehwi thought he had moved on but yet here he is, letting the one who broke his heart explain himself or something. "I'm sorry," Jinyoung choked. 

"What for?" Daehwi coldly asked. "For everything, I've been an absolute stupid for letting you go," he said. Daehwi couldn't look at him, it was the same like the last time they saw each other at the concert. "I never realized that I could lose you that easily," he added. Jinyoung tried to hold Daehwi's hand but he moved. "I'm sorry," 

Daehwi tried not to cry, he shouldn't cry, that's what he thought. "My sister found out about us, she was really mad. You know she's the one providing for me and all, I wasn't even supposed to go to school this year if it wasn't for her. We had an agreement that I'll focus in studying and that I shouldn't be in a relationship and all. I tried hiding it but I don't know how she found out. She forced me to end things with you because she doesn't agree to all of it-" Jinyoung explained. Daehwi's tears flow out, but he kept his head down trying not to be obvious that he's crying.

"A lot of things are happening in our family now, it took a toll on me and I vented it all out to you, thinking it was the best option. You're lagging in school too so I thought if I weren't in the picture you'll focus even more." Jinyoung reasoned out. "You're really stupid aren't you?" Daehwi said and wiped his tears. "If you said that to me... if you have said it a bit earlier... if you were just honest back then we would be fine and we wouldn't be in this position right now," Daehwi was mad and frustrated, he wiped his tears slowly. "You know, you started it first, you made me feel like we're no longer together and I'm not you're priority. You started hanging out more with your friends and I know I shouldn't even feel like this because you knew them first but I couldn't reach you, I couldn't be honest with my feelings and I..." Daehwi choked, he spoke in a soft voice, a soft broken voice. He held his tears.

"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," Jinyoung said, holding his hand. 

Three words, it took Daehwi three word to give in. He lowered his head even more, he knows the moment he looks up and stare at Jinyoung's eyes he'll lunged himself towards the older. Daehwi isn't prideful, he just don't want to give in too easily, he sighed. "Do I still have a chance Daehwi?" he asked, more like a whisper. Daehwi answered with a soft hum, not really giving a clear statement. Jinyoung asked again, a bit more bold than he asked before, Daehwi still gave the same reply. 

He was still thinking, weighting things. Giving Jinyoung a chance might mean he's going to go over the same heart ache over and over. He doesn't know if he's ready for such heart ache, he isn't expecting anything more to this relationship. Daehwi knows if they get back together again, it will end quickly as it always was. He just got lucky with Jinyoung that stayed with him for this long, he isn't sure. "Daehwi... Do I still have a chance?" Jinyoung asked for the last time, in a much softer broken tone, Daehwi broke away from his thoughts and said "Yes," Daehwi breathe, he was ready for everything, the heart breaks, the mistakes, the problems, he'll be able to successfully go through it with Jinyoung. He learned and found a reason to live and it was Jinyoung. 

"Really?" Jinyoung asked, sincerely, worried whether he's pushing Daehwi too much or not. "Yes Jinyoung really," Daehwi said and held the older's hand tighter, looking up. Jinyoung's eyes says it all, he wanted to kiss Daehwi but he fought against the idea, it was too early, Daehwi knew it too, and looked down. Jinyoung resolved to kissing the latter's forehead. "I love you Daehwi, I'm sorry," he said, Daehwi looked up and saw those loving eyes that he alone sees. He broke down. 

It was the last thing on Daehwi's list, to break down in front of Jinyoung, to show his vulnerable side. It was something in Jinyoung's eyes that Daehwi's problems, worries, guilt and anger turned away. It was calming, beautiful yet painful. He broke down and let himself cry all his might. "I waited for you, I always did, coz I know you'll comeback to me. You love me that much I waited," Daehwi said between sniffles. Jinyoung let the younger cried on his shoulder and patted his head, "You waited enough, you waited well. Thank you for waiting," he said and let out something between a nervous and relieved laugh. "I didn't cry, all those months I didn't cry. Let me cry it all now," Daehwi said while pulling away. He sniffled and his tears runs down again. 

He cried like a child, as he cried he said in a childish voice while playfully hitting Jinyoung, "I spend so much because of you! I have no allowance because of food and I bought myself concert tickets! You hurt me so much I ended up spending everything," he said and cried. Jinyoung smiled and laughed out quite loud and wiped his tears that fell from his face. "How is that my fault? If you want to eat, eat as much as you want!" Jinyoung said laughing. He wiped Daehwi's tears and stared at him, "Stop crying, you look ugly when you cry," he said as he wiped more of the younger's tears. "I look even ugly when I cry!" the younger repeated as he tried to stop. 

"I love you still though," Jinyoung said with a smile. 

-END- 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this is how I close this story. JinHwi being a happy couple. I was really thinking hard on how I would be able to convey their feelings properly and have a good ending despite holding this fanfic for a couple of months. I hope you all enjoyed the end of it even though it may look that it ended too quickly and so on. Thank you for all those who waited and cheered on me on this fanfic, I hope you did enjoy this and hope you won't have any regrets in your life decisions as like how Daehwi and Jinyoung regretted theirs before. Thank you and I love you all~! 


End file.
